DEAR MUM

Dear Mum,



Never in my wildest dreams (nightmares) did I ever think I would be sat here at my desk writing to my blog in some shape of form for you in whatever realm you are in right now to tell you how much I miss you. Because today one whole year ago you decided to take your own life and leave us all behind. This is just a little letter to let you know how I've "coped" a whole year without you, every emotion.

So I'm just going to go straight into the worst ones,

Guilt, wow I felt a massive amount of guilt when I got the phone call off your monster (will explain this a bit more later) of a husband to tell me you were dead on the phone at around 1am March 14th 2018. I was wracked with guilt because two days prior to you killing yourself it was Mothers day and I hadn't popped around, why didn't I pop around? You know why. You hadn't seen my kids in 5/6 months, you laughed in my expense at a great opportunity I had and you just didn't bother with me as much or your other children as soon as you got with the monster. To be honest the guilt only came through the monster too as he re called so many times it was my fault because I didn't turn up for Mothers day as well as your other son, even though later on he accused everyone but himself of your reasons but that's a whole other letter mom. I felt guilty because I grew up with your attempted suicides, I can't remember how old I was the first time but I remember when I was around 16 climbing out the window because you locked the doors to pull you out of the main road and you always made me swear never to tell a soul, I feel guilty now because what if I had told someone all the times you attempted? Not only the fact no one believes what I've been through because you never told your family or best friends. They didn't live through it though did they mum? They didn't live through you going out early hours in the afternoon and coming home absolutely smashed and me stroking your back, lying you on your side to make sure you wouldn't be sick and choking, all of this whilst watching your sons. You know I didn't have much of a childhood but again another letter. I do feel guilty that I never told anyone though, maybe you could of been helped earlier on? I do remember telling you to go to the doctors and you said you did, I think I remember you on anti depressants at one time. I know why you had mental health problems but thats not for anyone else to know, that's your business. This is just my truth, my feelings all in a letter for "you".

Anger, I felt so angry. After everything I had been with you, I knew everything, more than a teenager should know. I remember our talks whilst you bathed I sat on the toilet, we would talk for hours about anything and everything. So when I got the phone call I thought why didn't she talk to me? Why didn't you come to me if you was so down? I understood we had fell out but you know mum whatever happens between us even when we fall out we are there for each other. I obviously felt anger for the fact you're my mum, you only get one mum, you were so young, I'm pretty young to loose a parent, my children had lost their nan, no explanation, no bloody goodbye!

Sad, a pretty obvious emotion. I've never cried so much in a day, I've never ached so much. The pain was and still is indescribable. I don't longer think of the bad days/times I think about all the things I miss from you.

I miss your hugs, I miss our phone calls that should of taken 10 minutes but ended in 3 hours, I miss just calling you to ask silly questions, I miss you shouting at me, I miss our stupid arguments, I miss your laugh, I miss your smile, I miss you ranting about someone and me just laughing so you can let of some steam, I miss moaning to you about Dan, I miss everything about you.

I cried every night for the first two months and in-between since now, for the first few months I kept thinking I'm just in a horrible nightmare, this can't be true. Growing up watch you try and luckily fail I thought this can not be true! I'm so confused this time even more though mom. When you used to try and leave, you left a note, you made it known and you was single. I know how much you couldn't cope being on your own. I wish we was enough for you because despite your depression you managed to hide, you was at your best in other ways, we had so much fun together. This time you was supposedly in love and not long been married. I wish I had more answers but I have to live with the fact I will never get those until the day I meet you in heaven.

God how we laughed, laughed so much you used to wet yourself! Your laugh was infectious, you was so kind. All my friends were envious of our relationship, you was so strict with me I was scared of you but in a good way I guess, now I'm a parent I understand but you was also chilled out about other things. Because we had such a massive amount of trust for each other, we used to talk about sex, anything really that most my friends wouldn't dream of telling their mums, you instantly made everyone welcome in our home but would also warn me about people and you was always right about them in the end. You always taught me never to trust anyone, be brave and don't take any shit from anyone. It took me a while to get to that stage as you know I was so shy as a young girl, I always thought you was the most courageous, strong woman I know and on the outside thats what everyone believed. I wish you let those walls come down, I knew you had your sensitive side, not many people did, only the ones that mattered.

I have so much I could say to you but I don't know how to express it all in a letter. I went to spiritual churches to try and reach you because you was a spiritual person. I haven't got the ouija board out though mom, I know you would curse me! You always warned me about those things. But if you could send me a message every now again that would be nice.

I know you felt like I didn't like you and blamed you for things that happened growing up but I never blamed you for that particular thing, I never would. I loved, still love you with all of my heart, yes I didn't agree with a lot of your choices and wished you had put me and your sons first more but that's gone now, you can't change the past. I wish we had tried more together with counselling, we were both stubborn though. Despite our fallings out though we were always there for each other when it was needed. You was my best friend growing up, all I will remember is the good times, I wish more than ever you could come back, we would both make a fresh start. I helped you with all your other bad choices in life, this one would have been pretty tough though, the trouble he has caused to our family, now we know what you was living with. A man who tells his dead wives children that she didn't want them apart of her life or was loved by her, its pretty sick. Also to not mention that you was a mother on your headstone, he had 5 years with you if that, you gave birth to me, Jack and Liam imagine someone erasing that. But we've all dealt with it now, just evil. We have our own special place for you we can visit as I'm sure you have seen.

I know you can see us but just a little update, the house is getting on so well I wish you could come around and drink a sip of your black tea. I'm in a job that fits around the kids and everyone there is lovely. I know you've always thought Dan's a bit of a dick (being generous) but I hope you can see he is growing up slowly but surely, he's built our home, he works so hard and he does look after us. The kids are doing amazing academically, they're happy. Liam has made me so proud, he volunteers at Friends to friends with your old best friend Alison from Lichfield and she's looked after him and us so well, really been there for us, supporting us and made Liam feel right at home. Jacks doing brilliantly at work and going strong with Kennedy, they're doing amazing in their flat together. I don't know how Nan copes loosing you but she manages, she's great with Lawson too as she helps whilst I'm at work. Grandad is still Grandad, but its been nice to find more out about him, you know he isn't one to get deep usually. Everyone misses you so much, all your family and friends. I only ever hear how much of an amazing person you are, kind, generous and the life and soul of every party.

I'm going to sign of for now Mom, I'm going to put some flowers in your place of rest we have for you, go to work then me, Liam, Jack and Nan are going to go for a meal to celebrate the good times we had with you, to toast you and how shite this year has been without you. It's so sad, It's so hard to carry on without you sometimes but I have to be strong, there isn't much more choice I have. But know I love you and I will always love you, forever. I wish you knew how much you was truly loved. xxxxx

Just to anyone reading this who is going through depression please don't ever feel alone, please talk to someone! I'm available if you want to talk, anytime. Send me an email, I can give you my number. I want to get suicide rates down, I will try my best to help anyone, me and my brother are going to set up a local group for people with suicidal thoughts and loosing people through suicide.