SELF LOATHING TO SELF LOVING

SO, how can someone who has everything they ever wanted and more be sad, lonely sometimes even and really low? Depression and anxiety is why. Those together are a living nightmare, demons in your head constantly fighting between not giving a crap to overly thinking and worrying about everything. I have the most beautiful boys who mean the absolute world to me but day to day I feel like I really don't deserve them, they deserve someone so much better, stronger. My fiancé, we have been through some shit but always come out fighting, he has his demons I have mine we work through them together, thats what makes us a team. But how can I believe that he truly loves me if I don't even love myself?



No one with a 'normal' mind will ever understand us 'dolally' folk, yeah charming right I've actually been called this many of times by so called friends, family etc. I just roll with it now, who wants to be normal anyway? I do... If there is such thing as normal. I hate waking every morning thinking what is today going to have in store for me, the constant mood swings, the ache in my heart and brain my partner doesn't understand at all, no one does. I have no one I can truly talk to and feel like I'm making any sense at all, If I do try to talk to someone I just feel like I'm being a burden so I stop. So I have all these crazy ideas going on in my mind and no outlet so here I am with tissue stuck up my nose (man flu) having my outlet.

I am no where near the deep dark black hole I was before, I tried to end my life a year before I had Oscar so it gets better, just think you can't get any lower than that it can only get better! But it doesn't mean that it feels any easier, some days are really good and some days are bad. I often think why me? Why do I have these stupid things going on in my head, why am I a psychotic jealous person, why do I think people hate me before I've even spoke to them, why do I think I'm so ugly, why do I think my fiancé can't love me (he asked you to marry him you stupid girl). Why why why.

It is my mission to change myself for good, I really want to avoid medication at all costs but I feel like I really need something to take the sting of it all, I've tried psychiatrists, medication and things like that before nothing works. I honestly think its all in your mind obviously and the demon who lives there you just need to kick that bitch out! It's not that easy for everyone I understand that, like when people say to me 'Oh just forget about it' 'It happened years ago, come on' 'Just block it out'. Oh damn thanks guys I didn't think about that, I'm cured now. Go away!

I was abused mentally and physically for a big part of my childhood from people who are supposed to love you, step dads, friends of the family. They didn't love me, they didn't protect me, they hurt me and the scars they left seem so hard to heal. I was bullied in my last year of school that didn't help either I have always felt like an outcast, someone who has never fitted in. I find it so hard to make friends with people and they never seem to last, I am straight talking though if you're going to slag your mate of to me we won't stay friends, if you can talk about her like that to me what do you say about me behind my back? My guard is always up, it took Dan so long to get my guard down six years on I'm still pretty much giving him hell.

Whats the answer? I don't know I wish I had the answer to miraculous cure us all fighting this demon but sadly I can't.

Having Oscar completely turned my life around, he gave me something to fight for, something to live for I felt on cloud nine when I started feeling him move inside my stomach and when he came out and I spent nearly every single day with him I felt so much more in love and stronger I thought he had cured me. But is depression curable or does a tiny bit always stay latched on to your back like that horrible mucus advert? Dan started drinking again, staying out weekends on end it came back! I felt so unloveable, why was he doing this to me? I'll talk more about this in another post though I'm surprised if your still reading now, well done if you are and thanks for staying by. But it came back like a bitch then I fell pregnant, I felt awful I didn't want this baby and I hated myself so much for thinking this but I thought how can I bring him up into this world when I feel like this and his dads a complete bell end. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason though and I kept him, I could not imagine my life without him now he is amazing and you don't even know you have him he is so quiet and laid back and gives the best cuddles, I was so blessed with these two I think they are my angels.

What else can help that little bit more into loving yourself again?

Exercise - I know you really don't feel like doing it, you don't even feel like getting out of bed but eating healthier, drinking more water and exercising really is the best medicine, just a week of exercise and I felt so happy, my endorphins were sky high and your loosing weight/toning which is an even bigger bonus to make you feel even more better. Don't get me wrong the motivation to get to the gym is the hardest part but once you get into a routine and stick to it it really does make all the difference to how you feel.

Triggers - Work out what triggers of your anxiety/depression coffee sometimes can make it worse/caffeine drinks. People, certain people can trigger memories or things, Places, Items it could be anything just try your best to avoid the things that you can work out may trigger your attack/feelings off.

Getting out - Again with the exercise its hard getting there but push yourself to go for a walk, see your friends/family staying in only makes you worse.

Do something that makes you happy - Can you remember the last time you laughed? Do it again have your girls round, have a pamper, watch a funny film or a horror whatever tickles your fancy, read.

Focus on things you DO love about yourself - Ok so I'm just at eyes at the minute but its a start and when your make up is on fleek... Just saying. Take a selfie of when you are feeling super confident and save it as your screen saver or print it off and stick it somewhere you will always see it to remind yourself you are NOT ugly, you are beautiful inside and out.

I find drinking alcohol makes you worse its a depressant in itself, I don't smoke so couldn't comment on that and obviously would advise against drugs but I'm really against them anyway. Self teaching yourself is the best medicine you can give your body, mind and soul. It's hard I know and I;m not telling you what to do, you do what makes you happy and makes that day, week, year easier for YOU I'm typing this to remind me to keep ME happy for a change and not to worry so much about anyone else at the minute and work on getting me better. I can do this, I have so many reasons to stay strong for a lot has happened in my life that I would be here forever to share with you but I also think there is someone so much worse of out there than me and I am trying to help more charities out this year and being there for people who need it, helping others also boosts yourself I think. Just please don't put up with it by yourself, go to the doctors and speak to someone and see what they suggest. I'm booking myself in the doctors this week and going to try really hard not to give up on this journey and learn to truly love myself. When I get stronger I'd love to be a counsellor for abuse victims or even helping out with people who suffer with depression and anxiety just don't do this alone.

There is also more professional help out there The samaritans, Mind, Nhs and more.

If you ever want to vent/cry/talk about it you know where I am xxxx